Dolly Dagger (marilynmichelle) wrote,
Dolly Dagger
marilynmichelle

"If you follow every dream, you might get lost..."

On the eve of my 21st birthday, I have come to a thousand conclusions in a matter of moments. Let's just say, I will be starting off my 21st year of existence with a clean slate, and what a slate it is. I have done a lot of personal forgiving-myself, certain people, certain situations and events. The forgiving was all internally. It's rather lovely. Completely clean.

I have decided to make a post that was open to everyone. No more hiding from people, no more protecting myself and my life. No more secrets. I'm done with trying to be someone that I am not. I'm finished with keeping my problems a secret from others because I wanted my life to seem problem-free. Everyone has their own set of problems no matter how large or small. It is all a part of living, and I am doing just that...living.

This mini-break has been very good for me. I have peace of mind for the first time in quite awhile. I needed away from Indianapolis. Strange that a place which represents all of your freedom and dreams can be a sort of mini-prison at times. It is also ironic that West Terre Haute, a place that once stood for everything I extremely disliked, a place where the ghosts of my past haunted the roads, has now become my own hideaway. I have had time to think and reflect. It's amazing what a break from communication and technology can do for a person. It has this strange simplifying effect. What is even more hysterical (or very pathetic, depending on what angle you look at it from), was that while I was away, I kept thinking about the Livejournal posts that I wanted to make. I mentally wrote my own on the way to West Terre Haute, Wednesday afternoon. I was getting such inspiration, but none of that seems to matter now. I'm just glad that I got to see random people (you know who you are), and spend the time that I did with my family, friends, and myself.

So, I am now ready to return to Indy until my next decided break. I'm not worried about my "love-life", I have released the hold I felt I needed to have over it. I just want to let things be whatever they want and need to be. I can't keep exerting energy into something that I know I have no control over. The battle doesn't really seem to matter anymore.

This next week is going to be insane. Especially tomorrow. I'm always so vocal in wanting to celebrate MY birthday, but this year I just don't care, which is ironic. My 21st birthday (which is supposed to be SUCH a pivotal event in my life), really doesn't seem that important afterall. I just want to be content and free.

All in all, I have decided (more come to the conclusion or epiphany) that the past doesn't matter anymore. I have finally "set it free" in all complete honesty.

So, in my 21st year, I have a completely clean slate. I think it is the best birthday present that I could ever give myself, even if it was by complete accident.
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